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Just heard a colleague of mine, a maths teacher, has killed himself. Can't talk of it yet publicly so I'll just vent here a bit.

Hard to understand why. He was well under 40, very well liked by staff and pupils as well - I think many girls had a crush on him, as he was tall and good looking, athletic type - and he had a family with two small kids in Kindergarten still. He had also just secured a tenure at our college, the same time I did.

In retrospect, he was kind of quiet and kept to himself much the past year...the last office party we had he was however quite different, talkative, and insisted on buying me a beer and all that. Now I feel bad about declining and saying I better go home soon. Maybe he was desperate for a buddy to speak with. Can't help thinking maybe it might have changed something if I had gotten wasted with him and bond a bit.

But, chances are it's just all this COVID crap, and who knows what kind of issues he might have had in his marriage. Can't rationally blame myself.

Also, it's very strange that while I feel really sorry for him of course, I also feel real angry towards him at the same time - how can someone be so selfish as to leave his kids orphan like that?

It's not like we were best buddies, just colleagues, but the whole thing just seems so...off. really strange.

Maybe the school attack we had last year affected him too, who knows. Our school has gone thru Hell in the past few years, first government funding cuts and layoffs, resulting in doubling the workload for the rest, then a revamp of salary systems which also added to working hours quite a lot and resulted in terrible long days and uneven weeks and plenty of space and scheduling problems...then a forced move to a very challenging work place when the old building got condemned because of air quality problems, more layoffs, then a school sword attack and another temporary move and then COVID....

i wouldn't be surprised many of us have gotten really close to exhaustion and depression or beyond the limit. I know I was so tired at times I had a car accident even and barely could keep my sanity before they managed to get things working and got the workloads better distributed and more sensible.

For me, it's been getting easier and been quite OK for over a year already but maybe my colleague was still battling impossible work demands...well, I suppose I'll learn more as the school starts again in a few weeks.

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Sorry to hear this. Prayers for his wife & kids. It is a crazy time we live in.

Reminds me of a guy I worked with back in the 1960's.
He was a tall, handsome, bodybuilder, Vietnam Vet with a box full of medals.
Happily married, about to get his degree (the company would pay your college expenses as long as you passed.)
Had just gotten a promotion into the job he had been dreaming about.
Went into the toilet at work, stuck a .357 Magnum in his mouth & blew the back of his head off?
Nobody ever knew why?

Mental health problems are hard to see, especially when someone has all of the outwards signs of a great life. Meanwhile, they are screaming inside. It could have been anything, really.

I feel for you dee, and especially for his family. The saddest part of these things is what happens to those left behind.

Very sorry to hear this Deaa- and try not to beat yourself up trying to figure out why. There's usually no rational explanation for an irrational act. Blessings to his family and yours for healing.

I had a friend that did the same thing about 4 years ago - outwardly he seemed like the worlds' greatest dad, friend, etc. He decided to park his work truck in a rest stop one evening and run a hose from the tailpipe into the cab and they found him well after it was too late. Left behind 2 kids, a wife and all that. Doesnt' make any sense and hurts like hell for sure.

Sorry for your loss. You can't help how you feel. Grief comes at us all in different ways.

My brother in law shot himself in the mouth three years ago - leaving behind 2 young kids and a high school age kid. Can't imagine what got him to that point. I know I'm supposed to feel empathetic towards him, but I just see the chaos he left behind and I am still angry at him for it. I figure I'll remain angry at him for a good long while yet, too.

Henry David Thoreau famously stated in Walden that “the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”

Absolutely not your fault of course deeaa. I do feel badly for the kids and wife and other family, and for the colleague as well. He had to be suffering terribly to kill himself with those circumstances.

I am sorry to hear. May the children be loved, blessed and nurtured.

Prayers to the ones he left behind.

We had a kid I was in the Air Force with do something similar. Seemed to be Mr. Perfect, but you can never tell with mental health. Some people are able to hide it until they can't.